Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

I reproduce these here for your enjoyment:

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind." Basically it's made of two seperate words-"mank" and "ind." What
do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't
just go by size, because I bet there are some Chiuahuas with good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him. We all skinned him. We
all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said,"I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they
don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when
somebody comes by, act like they just woke up and go,"What was THAT?!"

The face of a child says it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on Venus FlyTrap. The flytrap can bite and
bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant
teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of Conquistadors came
up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea
to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the the first sight of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr.Brave man, I guess
I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps returning throughout history, in every culture,
is the story of Popeye.

When you go to a job interview, I think it's a good idea to ask if they ever
press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there is no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river and save a 
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free.
To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's
throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,
and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable--until I realized that it wasn't a nectarine at all, but
a HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted
brown and attached to the skull by common screws can make a child look like a
deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We 
might, if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out
when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes
people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes, when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says,"you". After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
done.

If you ever teach yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep
students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh because-
What IS that thing?

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I
remember we'd all pile into the car--I forgot what kind it was--and drive and
drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there.
The smell of something was strong as we played whatever sport we played. I
remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad". We'd eat some stuff, or not,
and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why he is crying, another cute thing to tell him 
is "probably something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is
not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on the 
elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it
should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her 
suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke-
just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my
little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out
warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried, and cried,
but I think deep down, he thought it was a good pretty good joke. I started
to drive to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked
dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though it's 
Hambone.

Laurie got offended when I'd used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't 
be laughing when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town,
we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of a flint gray, I 
thought back to the salmon I had caught that morining, and how gray he was,
and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then
I wouldn't think it was so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute won't open, and your friends are
all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 
swimming.

When I was a kid, our favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd
all go play in his cave, and every once in a while, he'd eat one of us. It
wasn't until later that we found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
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3 comments so far

  1. Josh on

    you.

  2. Josh on

    I do feel better. And no harm done.

  3. Kristi on

    Those are funny. I wonder how many Tina Fey wrote. Or Chuck Palanihuk.


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